Weird

So, many of you know that from time to time, I write about personal stuffs here - this will be one of THOSE posts

I've realized in the last few weeks that I've been struggling, quite severely, with depression.   It hasn't taken the usual forms of feeling bad about myself (although that does happen from time to time), it's come more in the form of feeling sad, overwhelmed and like something inside just needs to come out....somehow.

I know that part of this is because some tough days are ahead....my mother's birthday would have been Saturday - she would be 70.  It's kinda strange to think that my mother would be 70.  I can't even begin to imagine her at that age.  I'm beginning to see many traits that she had, in myself - some good - some not so great.  I do wish that she were here, though.  I can hardly imagine what she'd say about my jewelry business.  It would be awesome to see her excitement and I'm sure she'd be my #1 sales woman. =)  She sold Home Interiors for MANY moons and was quite successful with it.  I wish I could ask her for wisdom with selling and ideas of marketing and all that jazz.  She could, truly, sell ice to eskimos.

I'm sad that I'm quickly approaching ANOTHER birthday, single.  My deepest desire is to find a wonderful, Godly man, get married and have a family.  My heart hurts that it just hasn't happened.  Much of that, I'm sure, is due to my weight - which because of severe health issues - is kinda outta my control right now.  It just hurts my heart that I'm single...still.  This was *not* my plan.  Yes, I know I could be married....and feel like I'm in a prison - which is no way to live, either.  My dad often encourages me with "There is no pain, like the pain of a lonely marriage" and I'm so thankful God has protected me from that....but desperate to find the man for me.  WHERE THE FREAK ARE YOU, WALDO?!!?

I'm also realizing, that my depression comes through in my lifestyle....specifically my bedroom.  When my head is a mess - so is my room.  Part of this, is due to my health (if I bend over - my body wants to vomit, nearly automatically) and part is just due to the fact that there is plenty of time, another day, to deal with it.  I'm pretty overwhelmed with it.

And finally, I'm sad that 2 years ago, I boarded a plane to come home for "2 months" to take a vacation and then go back to DC and move into a new place.  I have yet to get my things from DC.  I'm $800 short.  Why is it that some random dude can raise $50k for potato salad and I can't raise enough to get my things home from DC?  I have a good "story" - I'm chronically ill, I can't work, I live with my father, my medical style bed is in DC - and I'm DESPERATE to get it home.  My body is suffering even more without it.  I even offered my jewelry at a HUGE discount and I sold $30.  REALLY?!!?  What the....?!?!  As soon as I get a little extra, something else comes up that bites me in the rear and sets me right back to where I started.

These things are things that many people deal with......these things are things that aren't easy fixes.....but these are my things.  I'm prayerful that God has a reason why my junk is still there, I'm still single and I miss my mom....but it'd sure be nice to see some of those pieces fall in to place.  So, if you know a wonderful, single, Godly 'sugar daddy' - have him me a call =)