Monday, June 10, 2013
Dry Desert Land
I've been kinda in a funk lately....feeling dry, parched and in the desert. I'm struggling with inspiration, I'm struggling with my health and I'm struggling to get my feelings conveyed in the way that makes sense....just struggling. I thought writing might help me process some of these things, but I'm not even sure what to say beyond that I just don't feel 'right'....whatever that means.
I do know that I've been struggling socially and that is never a good thing, in my world. I continue to feel unknown here - people are asking if I'm back for a visit...and I say 'I've been here since August'. Nearly a YEAR!
I think I'm kinda lost right now....looking for direction...looking for the place to look next....waiting for the chapter to be turned in to what is next. and frankly...I see nothing. No change. No brightness of exciting things to come. No idea at all.
This time last year, my life was in complete chaos. My great roommates were moving out, I was getting ready to move out - finding movers - finding a place to live with a girl who was so neurotic that she wouldn't sign a credit check form and finally (June 27th-ish) I decided to come home for 'a few months' - which has now turned into permanent. I feel so lost - it brings thoughts of a marathon runner running their race, minding their business and knowing that a hydration station is coming up...but not being able to find your team....because they aren't there.
Chronic illness is difficult and strips you of so many things that you can't control - and frankly - those are the worst.
I'll get through this, one moment at a time....just really struggling